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December 10 So, hit me again.Am I simply cursed or did I do something so horrible in a former life that I do not deserve to be happy for more then a short time? Anyone who read all of my old blog site and this one knows that I have had more then my share of what I can carry on my quickly slumping shoulders. 13 years in a first marriage filled with the worst physical abuse imaginable. I still have bone chips in my left jaw from the hardest punch. I still have scars. 16 years in a second marriage that was physically abusive but not nearly to the point of the first so I always thought it was ok...emotionally though he beat me down till I lost myself. My breakdown occurred 8 years ago and yes I tried a few times to end my life but was lousy at it. 4.5 years ago I started to get better. I have been off of pills for ages now. I do not even take the sleeping pills that helped me when I would stay awake for days on end. I am not suicidal...no-one is worth taking my life for. Last year my spouse had an affair and treated me like crap. I begged, pleaded, pretty much made an idiot of myself trying to get a man who had never loved me to love me. I was finally able to leave the island last June and returned to Edmonton where my family is. I am a good person. I give of myself. Too much so. I was not given time to heal and spent the month of July taking care of my grand-daughter for my son. He borrowed money off of me while between he and his girlfriend they were making over $60.00 an hour. My funds were limited. My stupidity I know. I took a few days in August to cry and accept that the marriage was done for and that he was never going to validate me. Then I spent 2.5 weeks taking care of my daughter's 4 kids while she and her hubby went on a holiday. No-one even once asked how I was coping. I took care of my emotional self by myself. I got to the point where I could talk to my ex without hating him. I began to move on and forward. I got a job which I left last Monday because it was nothing like they told me it would be and there was next to nothing for training. So I am again un-employed and looking for work. The next day I was in a car accident and my neck still aches. My car is at the body shop waiting for aprooval to be fixed. I am driving a rental. I met a wonderful, good man in September and I honestly live in fear each day that he will turn to me and tell me he does not actually want me and that I can now go. I moved in 3 weeks ago. He didn't ask me to. He was headed back up north to work and gave me the keys and some money and told me to get anything the place needed. I went a little nutty in that department because....well...he is a guy and the whole condo was done in tan. It needed plants, reds, greens, blues. It is now a home and not a shell. The next week we were talking on the phone when it hit me. I asked him if I was now living here. He answered with "You tell me". That is how he does things. He then said he wanted me to live with him and meet his son. Normally on the week that he was in town I would show up Monday night and leave Friday morning so he could have the weekend with his son. Then on Monday he would head up North for 2 weeks again. Now I have met his son. He was shocked at how the place looked but seemed very happy with the meals I cooked them. Next Monday the 17th he comes back from the north for the last time. He has quit the job up there for a job here so he can be with me. So why am I so afraid?
Last week both of my kids decided that they no longer need nor want me in thier lives. They have both called to yell and swear at me, calling me the worst of the worst names. They give me no answers as to why the sudden change. They admit I have always been there for them...have never denied them anything...have gone witout so they could have. But...they are now saying I am not allowed to see or even speak to my grandkids. My daughter has been calling everyone saying that I am suicidal..so everyone has been calling me. I am so not in that franme of mind and why she is saying it is beyond me. I know all her secrets. That is the only thing I can come up with. I know about all the affairs she has had and I think she feels I may tell but if I have not after all this time why would I do it now? My children. The people I carried in me. The children I held all night when they were ill..the ones I made halloween costumes for each year and sheltered from thier fathers anger have kicked me out of their lives. That is a hurt I cannot begin to explain but, the hurt of of the grandkids...innocent in all of this......they do not know why I have not talked to them in over a week. They last saw me 3 weeks ago and all was fine.
Now the man I love is coming home in a week and I have to pretend to be ok. He does not deserve any of this. They hate him without having even met him. I have never judged who my kids have chosen. Never turned on them.
So how much more am I expected to hold? December 04 No I did not VanishFor as much as it must seem like it, I have not forgotten about this place. Let us call it a sabattical....a healing process of which I had to go through away from here so as not to bore everyone to tears.
I have moved. June 18th to be exact was the day I left the island. I stood on the ferry taking pictures in the rain as tears descended from my eyes. It is hard to leave a place you have become so accustomed to...where you have lived for almost 2 decades in peaceful surroundings...albeit not in the house. So, I stood and watched till I could see the island no more. 2 vehicles......my car...fully paid for and in my name...and the moving van which he drove. His demand and not mine. Had I had my way my brother and nephews would have moved me ....however as per normal I had no say in the matter. I am ashamed to say that I tried to the bitter end to keep the marriage intact. Why, I do not know. After all it was dead before it ever began. He hated me the entire time and made it clear every chance he had. Weekends were spent in fear of his temper...either he would go on physical rampages or verbal or both. It is now that I realize I spent each day in trepidation of his moods. Would he come in the door just a bit angry or would I be forced to hide out in my room all evening avoiding his anger....misplaced towards me but existing anyway. At times I was strong and stood up to him only to back down in fear again. Yet...I baked for him the day before we left...I cleaned the house top to bottom....left 800 pictures if the grandchildren in chronological order in mahogany albums. I made sure the house looked as though nothing had been removed...mostly because barely anything was. I left with little. I was not smart. I did not look after my financial well being or my physical self. The day he left here to return to the island I fully expected him to go around the block...come back and get me. When he didn't I collapsed on my Mothers kitchen floor. I was to say the least the worst possible candidate for strong newly free woman of the year. For the next 4 weeks I called him continuously begging him to love me. I spent July at my son's taking care of his daughter and not myself as I should have done. It was not until August 11th that I was finally able to sit down and take a look at what had happened to me and begin to see it for what it truly was. 16 years of mental and physical abuse. 16 years of my life taken and treated like dirt. I read all of my diaries and then burned them. I convinced myself that no-one of the opposite sex would ever find me attractive in any form what so ever again. Then I realized what I was doing...I was waiting for him to validate my worth. My brother pointed it out to me. "Nicole" he said "What do you need from him in order to move on and why?". "Validation" I said.."Just the knowledge that I was a worthy person...someone deserving of love..deserving of better treatment". He asked me why and I had no answer. The light went on....the need faded. I began to take care of me.
At the beginning of September I joined an online site meant for meeting people. I was lead there by an old friend who I will forever be indebted to. I really had no intention of having anything happen. The 1st day I received over 50 messages. Men are quite odd beings. They assume that if you join such a place you must be very desperate. I met 2 of them. The 1st assumed that meeting me meant he could paw me. I left in tears once again hating men. The 2nd spoke of marriage and living together. I could not get past his disgusting sense of humour and felt no attraction at all. I answered all messages. Many of them wanted to meet me and go out. They all wrote incredibly long letters going on about themselves ...it was as though they had all been handed the same manual to follow. On Sept 8th I received a new message. All it said was "I guess I will start by saying hello". Simple....to the point and captured me immediately and to this day I do not know why. I shall cut to the chase. We messaged and chatted online for a week....messaged, chatted and talked on the phone for a 2nd week and then on Sept 24th we met for real. That was it. We have been together since. He works up north...2 weeks away and 1 week home. He left again today for his last 2 weeks. On Dec 17th he comes home to me and I will be waiting very happily. I went into this with the full knowledge that he would most likely be living this way for at least the next 2 years...I told him I realized this and that I could do it while he had doubts as it seems not too many relationships last this way. I know myself though. I knew the moment I saw him that he was the one. It may seem awfully fast but we are now living together in his condo. It was all tan in colour...it now looks colourful. There is food in the fridge and pantry. I now sleep at night without the aid of pills. I even nap on occassion. Again , to make a long long story short.........we simply clicked...it is as though we have known each other for years. He is a good man and is kind to me. I am a good woman and would do anything for him. I love him.....it is that simple. I found the man I was meant for. He makes me smile and laugh and there have been np pretenses between us. No....best bib and tucker so to speak. We have simply been us.....why be anyone else? He is not perfect but for me he is perfection. I am not perfect but he accepts me. He is bringing back the me I lost. I am happy...I am content...I am in love. A very good man sent me a very short message and that was all that was needed.
I shall write more but it is now 2am and I chat online with him at 4:20am and need some sleep. Our pictures are above. |
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